Session 2: Self-Sacrificing Love
SCRIPTURE READING
Mark 12:28–34
Ephesians 5:15-33
REFLECTION
What is the number one command in the entire Bible? Jesus is very clear about it: "The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength'" (Mark 12:29–30). This wasn't a difficult question for Jesus to answer. But he also throws in a runner up so we can be sure to avoid missing the point of life: "The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these" (v. 31).
If we're interested in doing what God wants us to be doing with our lives, we must be loving God above all else, and we must be loving our neighbor. Jesus was once asked this followup question: "And who is my neighbor?" (Luke 10:29). It seems the expert in Jewish law who asked the question wanted to be sure Jesus was only asking him to love the people he already loved. But Jesus' answer was devastating. He responded by telling the parable of the Good Samaritan, which teaches that the neighbor we are called to love includes our natural enemies and those who have been neglected by everyone else. After all, God loves us, not because we're so great, but even though we are sinners (Rom. 5:8).
All of this means that when we think about loving our spouses—which we are commanded to do—we should start with the bigger command to love our neighbors as ourselves. Most of what it means to love our spouses is just applying the command to one our neighbors as ourselves. But there are also special commands given to husbands and wives that help us understand what it means to love our husband or our wife more specifically.
For example, in Ephesians 5, Paul says that when we are filled with the Holy Spirit, we will all be submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ (vv. 18, 21). Then he calls wives to submit to their husbands as they would to Jesus (vv. 22–24). So what does it mean to love God and love our neighbor? It means we all lovingly submit to Jesus and we all lovingly submit to one another. One important piece of these actions of self-sacrificing love is that a wife will lovingly submit to her husband. It's important to see that Paul tells wives to do this out of reverence for Jesus, not out of reverence for their husbands. In other words, you don't do this because your husband is amazing; you do it because you love Jesus.
Again, after calling all of us to be filled with the Spirit and therefore submitting to one another (vv. 18, 21), Paul tells husbands to love their wives in the same way that Christ loved the Church (vv. 25–33). How did Jesus love the Church? He sacrificed his very life for it. He cared for it, nourished it, and made it more holy through his self-sacrificing love. Paul's point is clear: When it comes to his wife, a husband who wants to obey the command to love God and love his neighbor as himself will be constantly laying his life down for the good of his wife.
Paul's picture of marriage, then, isn't of one spouse ruling over the other, nor is it of one spouse serving or remaining in the background of the relationship. It looks like both spouses loving each other—not just emotionally—but in action. The kind of love that Paul calls for in marriage makes each spouse feel constantly cared for, constantly served, constantly prioritized. It's a difficult call, but a beautiful reality.
One final thought: It's vital that we understand what it means to love each other despite our differences. Remember that Paul asks women to show this kind of submissive love to their husbands because they love Jesus. Remember that Jesus didn't love the Church because we were so amazing, he loved us in spite of our sin and brokenness and rebellion (Rom. 5:8). That's what husbands are called to in loving their wives. We're all tempted to love our spouses when they're easy to get along with, when we enjoy our time with them, when they do the things we like to do. But when we discover (as we all inevitably do), that our spouses are significantly different than we are, love feels less natural and more difficult.
But because Jesus loves us even though we are different than him (i.e., broken, sinful, stubborn, wayward), you can love your spouse even though he or she is different from you. As a matter of fact, Paul explains that the Church is made up of very different parts, and this actually makes the Church stronger (1 Cor. 12:4–27). The same is true in marriage. We all get frustrated with the brokenness, quirkiness, and differences we discover in our spouses. But if we look with the eyes of Jesus, we may learn that those differences actually make our marriages stronger. God hasn't brought you together with your future spouse so you could be two of the exact same kind of person. He brought you together so you could be stronger together than you apart.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
How did your homework assignment from the previous session go? Is there anything you'd like to share based on that experience? Any insights or challenges you received?
What is one way you and your future spouse are different from each other? How have you seen that difference turn into a strength? In other words, when you think about this difference, how have you become stronger together than you apart? (Consider doing multiple rounds with this question. If the relationship is newer, the question could be reframed as: "How do you think this difference might become a point of strength?")
Jesus said the greatest commandment is this: "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength" (Mark 12:30). This should be true for each of our lives individually. But what do you think it would look like to obey this command and keep it primary within the context of marriage?
Jesus is clear that we are called to love our neighbor as ourselves, which means loving every person we encounter. How does our love for every neighbor relate to our love for our spouse? How is it the same? How might it be different?
Knowing that Jesus' biggest commands are to love God first and then love one another:
How would you, future wife, describe what it would look like for you to love your future husband based on what Paul says in Ephesians 5:15–24 and 33?
How would you, future husband, describe what it would look like for you to love your future wife based on what Paul says in Ephesians 5:15–21 and 25–33?
Based on your current temperament, personality, and lifestyle, in what ways do you think it will be difficult to love your future spouse as God commands? How can you step up to the challenge?
HOMEWORK
Each of you spend 15 minutes on your own reading and praying through Philippians 2:1–8. First, read the passage slowly and carefully. Don’t think primarily about marriage; start by listening carefully to what the passage is saying about Jesus. Pause after reading to reflect. Now read the passage again. This time, read the passage with an eye toward what this could mean in regard to your relationships with the people around you generally. After you’ve read this, spend a few minutes asking God to speak to you regarding the implications of this passage for your marriage. Listen for his promptings. Finally, read the passage one last time. This time, ask God to highlight a word or phrase to you. Don’t overthink this, just let that word, phrase, or concept present itself. Then spend a few minutes talking to God about it: Why did this come to mind? What are the implications for marriage? When you’re done with this exercise individually, set aside some time to talk about what each of you experienced and learned. Compare your different experiences and ask how the similarities and differences of your experience can help you in your marriage.